What Love Means

Written by Shana Kronish

In January, I started a year-long learning experience with Rabbi Lehrfield, called the Adult B’nei Mitzvah Experience. During one of our monthly classes, we talked about the Jewish concept of love.

“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

What is Jane Austen saying here? What does Love mean? Literature, movies, television, music, they all give us an impression of an ever consuming idea of love. Disney princesses taught me about a love at first sight, a love that has to overcome dragons, evil stepmothers, and most importantly a sea monster. I moved from fairytales to Shakespeare, Jane Austin, and many other authors who portray love as being filled with passion and magnetisms, despite social structure or life circumstances. This romantic idea of love is wonderful! To lose yourself in another, to fall for someone and letting the rest of the world just disappear is such an amazing experience. But does that work in the real world, outside of pages filled with words and lyrics? I became so interested in really understanding it that I have made a career of it.

So, what is love according to psychology? I got an answer. But then poof! The magic was gone. I was taught, love is just the release of pheromones and endorphins. It is from increased heart rate when a scary and new situation occurs.

I didn’t like this answer, so I kept learning. Eventually I found something I could work with. Love is composed of three things: intimacy, passion, and commitment. I wanted to find this in pleasure reading too, but I couldn’t find it.

And this poses a problem. When people do not experience the romanticized love, they are left confused and lost. But great for me because I get clients! This happens because they think that all that is needed is passion and intimacy. But once they understand the importance of commitment, the relationship is strengthened, increasing the feelings of passion and intimacy.

While I greatly enjoy reading stories filled with these two aspects, I wanted to find something to read involving all three. So, where can I find stories about commitment that are not in boring textbooks? Who dares to explore such a scary concept? Jewish teachings do. In fact, Jewish teachings explore all three.

Judaism defines love as a choice. It is a choice to be committed to one another. This happens by doing things for one another and to see each other as a good person. The more you give to that special person, the more you love, because the more you give, the more you are invested in them.

We are constantly told in the commandments to love yourself, your partner, your parents, and your neighbor. It is easier to do this when you see the good in them. When you focus on the good, you are able to work through the every day challenges that relationships face.

When you choose to love someone it is about focusing on their virtues because to find your soul mate you need to include more than just passion and intimacy. 

It is the commitment to get to know someone on a deeper level. This may sound boring but I don’t think it is. You may ask, doesn’t there reach a point when you know everything about the other person? If that were the case I would be out of work! There is always something new to learn about the person you love. And that is so exciting.

On the Jewish day of love, Tu B’Av, The Mishnah says, girls would dress in white to look the same so that there would be no judgment based on looks. They would sing and dance, and would hopefully meet their soul mate that night. That is a prime example of passion, intimacy and commitment.

This story shows us how choosing a spouse based on immediate attraction filled with passion and intimacy is important, as well as the factor of commitment, finding someone to marry.

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.” A quote from Venus in Arms, and I feel is relevant here.

The Mishnah and Torah each explore the importance of commitment. When leaving Egypt, watching the sea split, and experiencing so many other miracles happen, there is lots of excitement fueling passion. There is also intimacy because there was lots of vulnerability, the Jewish peoples lives were in the hands of G-d for survival in the desert. And after all the miracles and the life sustaining support that G-d provided, the Jewish people entered the land of Israel once committing to the relationship. This relationship is always growing and it is through learning, that the relationship is sustained, and passion, intimacy, and commitment are maintained.

So I leave you with this quote. One that I think most of you will recognize. One of only a couple examples of the importance of all three, passion, intimacy, and commitment found in literature.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…”