Trying to Smell the Color 9
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 9.
Anyone who has ever been in a serious relationship can relate.
My wife sent me an article the other day and she prefaced by saying “please read, don’t worry about the title.” I continued to read the title…
The article describes the epiphany a guy had after he realized that he doesn’t need to understand why his wife wants something. He just needed to be able to recognize, that because its important to her, it needs to be important to him. That’s what a relationship is all about.
When I do what I know is important to my wife, even if it makes absolutely no sense to me, I am telling her “I love you and I care about you and the things that are important to you.”
She’s not upset about the dish being left on the counter or the coat on the banister, she’s hurt because I am telling her that I don’t respect, honor and love her.
If I want my partner to feel loved, I need to love her the way she needs to be loved, not the way I want to give. The same is true with any relationship including one with the Almighty.
There are mitzvot that I easily identify with and others that I find difficult to relate to or understand. It’s not up to me to decide which ones I want to do, that’s not how a relationship works just as I cannot just decide to love my wife they way I feel like doing it.
Gary Chapman identifies 5 Love Languages and explains that each person has a primary way that he or she feels loved. Each person speaks a certain language and it is crucial that we understand our partner’s love language or we will never be able to effectively communicate how we feel.
We can be spending so much time and effort spinning our wheels but getting nowhere because our actions will not be understood as expressions of love, just as I cannot comprehend what someone is saying if they are speaking mandarin. I simply do not understand what is being conveyed regardless of how well meaning the speaker may be.
The secret to good relationships is identifying which love language your partner, child or friend “speaks” and then consciously using that language instead of your own.
Just because its what you want, doesn’t mean its what they want.
Can you identify which Love Language you speak? What about your loved ones?
Words of Affirmation
Someone who’s love language is Words of Affirmation needs to feel encouraged, appreciated and empathized with.- Encourage often and be genuinely.
- Leave an unexpected card or note.
- Just call to say
- Recognizing and appreciate effort
- Avoid Non-constructive criticism
Acts of Service
For some people “Actions speak louder than words” Just telling them that you love them doesn’t quite cut it, they need to see that you care through the things you do for them.- Go out of your way to help without being asked
- Make your partner’s favorite meal
- Don’t prioritize other’s needs above theirs
- Make sure to follow through on tasks you say you will do.
Receiving Gifts
Others feel most loved when they receive a thoughtful gift that shows them how much you care. The little things really do matter and it truly is the thought that counts!- Put thought into the gifts you give (remember its the thoughtfulness they want, not the actual item)
- Show your spouse that you were thinking of them
- Express gratitude when you receive a gift
- Don’t forget special occasions! (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and “no occasion”
days
Quality Time
Quality time means offering full undivided attention, including eye contact and putting away your phone, turning off the tv and actively listening.- Go out together, just the two of you (It doesn’t need to be elaborate, a simple walk or grabbing coffee will do.)
- Regularly schedule one-on-one time and make sure it happens
- Occasionally plan getaways where you can connect on a personal and intimate way
- Avoid distractions when spending time together
Physical Touch
Physical touch is a powerful thing. Physical touch is the first way we feel loved as babies.This touch is not necessarily sexual in nature, but rather includes brushing up against your wife or putting your hand on your husbands shoulder or holding hands.
Constantly show physical affection
- Plan moments of intimacy in a thoughtful way
- Be attuned to the clues that your partner is craving affection
- Avoid a cold or harsh response to their affectionate touching
Click here for some practical ideas of how to speak the love language of the special person in your life.
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